CONFLICT REVEAL

We are really not used to the atmosphere without Tommy, this whole afternoon...the flat was in a silent mode.... silent silent, until the clock tick u also can listen to it.

Tommy leaves us, he leaves us with his laughter, noise, dirts, TV, Microwave, DVD, VCR Player, Toilet tissues....

We are so not used to it, lounge without a TV, kitchen without a Microwave, we want to find a clock in the lounge area also cannot.

Suddenly i felt like our flat damn empty, no noise, no possession, no electronic, the fridge too damn empty, the sink too damn empty, the flat damn clean ....

Miss him la

But .... not until just now, when Serena n all came to our flat to study, (well make some noises in our flat mah) all of them said "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FLAT??" All of them were shocked, and all of them were so not used to it, cuz normally our flat really got that good bond, atmosphere, happening (not happening in drinking or partying that kind) shud say got family feel. ...

Then Kev came back saw all of them ... then Serena said why Kev looks so happy today, and then she asked me whether Tommy n Kev hv any conflict in between. I said i dunno... bt start to think of it ... it could be, cuz Kev seldom stay in the flat ever since Tommy here....

Then at nite, Ryan back, and then i curiously asked him whether there are any conflict in between them, then Ryan said "well, Kev don't like Tommy, so Tommy din talk to him" ... well this is a very simple conflict description .... not until the most serious revealing part until now only me n siang yee know!

Kev back home, i was washing my wok ... then he walk at the hallway there, then says "Yea tonite won't be that noisy!" I was shocked to hear that, he continue rambling in his room to Ryan, i can remember he said "When i woke up this morning, saw he is not here anymore, i felt fresh!!!" (loud n agitated) the rest i barely remember ....

I was so damn shocked, so do Siang Yee ... i went into SY room and both of us starts to discuss the unbelieavable conflict!!! Scary .... suddenly telephone rang ... for me... 2am .... I was so scared talking to Zoe, i was scared if i accidentaly disturb Kev ....

It has been week 13 ... now only i know he don't like Tommy.

Tommy GONE!!

Tommy really moved out, he really really no longer stay with us in the same flat!!

This morning about 10 am, i woke up, bt was lying on my bed, i heard noises outside, and noises of people talking in cantonese and noises of things moving... oh no!!!

Tommy really leaving, i was in a very very down mood yesterday, and today a morning such things happen, how u want me to accept everything happen in a sudden!!!

I dun want to go out, i dun want to go out and see his leave,... i lay in my bed and wait.... and i know whati s going on out there, i dun want to go out becuz i dunno how to face it.

half an hour later.... i heard his mom saying "it's that all, can we go now?" ... then after that i went out to brush my teeth, and i saw him, he said sorry to me becuz he borrowed my 'SAW' dvd to his friend and din tell me .... i din say a word to him, cuz i don't want to speak. So i tot he tot i am mad at him gua (he told me last nite), sumo i din say a word to him ....

well, nt tat i am mad at him, well i am mad at him why he want to move out la, in a short notice sumo, very hard to accept you know, i already treat him as my bro in perth, and we hv sort of like a family circle in our flat, Siang Yee the mother, me the sister, Ryan the bro, and Tommy the youngest!!!

He is so to say the link among us... except for Andi the girl who always hide in her room, and Kev the one who always go out.

I was really speechless ... bt i really hope he can come back

All Went Down Hill

Everything went down hill today.... i just dunno why everything need to happen in a day...

To test am i applicable to live on my own?
To test am i strong enough to receive all this task?

or

To see how bad i can do when everything bad happen in a row?

Since thursday nite, after the overly excitement groceries shopping spree with chip n cornie ...
the nite itself, i have no idea what i want to eat, though i hv lots of craps
I can't figure out what i am cooking
I can't even enjoy my food, yet i finished it!

I ate my bowl of fried mihun n mee ... the dark soy sauce and some carrot.... it should taste good
bt i am not in the mood ....
my mood just like shoot down tremendously ... i also dunno why
and then i went to buy plums from Chip, then i get to boost my mood back after crapping at her place and watched Amazing Race

Friday ... i wasn't feeling enthusiatic at all... I was late for editing
After back from editing got some juice to drink n read those crappy friendster forwarded msg that said friendster is closing soon pls forward the msg to ur friend. BULL SHIT!

Then went out ... saw this letter from SV ... i was waiting for it... who knows it is a bad news
My extension of contract for SV wasn't successful,
and i hv to get my ass off with all my luggage n all the shit i have to no where ...
I felt lost!

Chip too extention not granted. we were discussing how, she is even worse, going to melb in 10 jun.

I am hoping for the 13 to come, wish they can tell me that there are places in SV so that i don't have to move.

Not that i hate moving, bt i don't want to live outside, i don't want to spend a fortune to rent a house and start a life again...i don't want to spend extra cost to buy this and that for a new place.

I am so miserable ...i felt lost ... and added that it is WINTER, it is BLOODY WINTER, where am i going to live, sleep, eat, shit, shower? and where to keep myself warm too!!!

I know SV won't be this full, i know they are saving for the new student quota and sacrifice the old student .... bloody hell.

i know when the next sem starts, SV will be empty... and why that time they kick us out.

but how to wait until the semester starts? ... i am going to spend that 4 weeks break without a permanent living space.

I know i hv certain ways to live during tat 4 weeks pouring rain, howling winds' winter
1. live outside
2. zoe room
3. li teen room
4. auntie elaine house
5. auntie christina house

But .... live outside stupid! Expensive! Lonely! Depressing!
Zoe room ... lving with strangers, m just like an intruder
Li Teen room a double room
aunt elaine hse ... too far away
aunt christ hse ... far too and they will take over care of me

That kind of feeling...the feeling of doesn't belong to anywhere, the feeling of lonely, the feeling of lost!

I went out dinner with them to Northbridge ... i just want to get my head off to somewhere, social abit so that i won't be too narrowed my mind

Bt well... back to my room, i am all by myself again, talk to parents, i tot i can come out with some solution, becuz that is what i do all the time for all my life.... now i know i am no longer living with my parents, and i hv to learn i am now living on my own, living with my own responsibility... i am so down talking with them, and added that mom told me she is not coming becuz of the grp of people who suppose to come cancel their trip, so no mom coming.

that day i was so happy that if my mom coming, i can follow the trip to albany, margaret river and places ... spend time with mom... and mom said is 90% coming... but now no more ... i am so down yet i hv to receive this news ... i talk less, cuz i am emotionally agitated, but gotta show them i am calm.

That's not it ... tommy suddenly come into my room, asking back his stuff in my room- the street map, the radio .... and then the cds. he told me he will be leaving soon

and then several hours later, he told me he is leaving some time tomorrow ... WHAT!!!!

I am really not happy with his moving out.... He just came in n took back his stuff... like those couple who break up and ask to return back everything .... it is like u should respect me, and at least give an early notice, not this sudden ok... i am really not happy

Although sometimes he is noisy, sometimes is abit annoying, irritated.... but it is a good flatmate that actually keep ur boring time alive during late nite!

I like the feeling of talking straightforward to him, cuz i just can tell him what he shouldn't do and he won't feel bad about it, if he felt bad he will tell, not a complicated person. and now he is telling me he is moving tomorrow!! it is not easy to accept this while my emotion can't accept anything bad enough.

I was trying hard to focus on my MA readings ... read the question...ask myself why none of them i understand!!!

Ok i know nothing about it .. i felt lost again

Took shower wish to clean everything, and wake myself up.... never felt so down before ...never!!!

I even went to the bird singing flash site to watch this clip again... i kept this address in my bookmark, cuz last time no matter how down the mood is, i just turn it on, and listen to that bird singing, it will boost my mood up, and i will laugh at it... this time, today i watch at it, look at it, listen to it.... i felt nothing, i even watch it twice ... no effect at all!

Currently in my mind... room to live, places where i should belong, test, 2500 essay, shooting, analysis essay, money ....everything cramp up together, why must they all happen at the same time?

If u want me to set a chart for these few days mood ... it is a down hill direction, i need my ups ... i need something really really .. no i just need a solution for the above problems.

I have something new about this country today

Whenever there is a sun out there, no matter how not cloudy it is ... no matter how big the sun is ... the temperature during Autumn going to be Winter will never be HOT/ WARM!!!

I woke up at 12:30pm, i felt hot in my room with my quilt on ... dunno how is the situation out there, but all i know was the sun damn hot .. shine into my bed!! So i tot the temperature out there won't be cold.

So i wear short pants to do my laundry n hang my clothes under the hot sun

Then i just wear the usual attire when i am in Malaysia - Jeans and Short sleeve tee

Walk out of the flat... walk n walk... i start to shiver ... start to feel, bt what to do, i din even bring a jacket out, cuz i tot i m only out for 1 hour ... bt who knows that 5 minutes walk to uni and 10 mins walk back to flat strugle alot!!!

Then i forgot i am supposed to collect my fresh smell of flower n clean clothes ... so i collect it at 6pm (not too late rite) .... though the sky getting darker that time!

Shit ... my clothes, bed sheet, towel, quilt cover... all wet!!!

I think it is becuz of the wet air that create after the sun down... and also the cool air ... so today i've learnt.. no matter how big the sun is during winter, u hv to use the god damn dryer!

MURPHY'S LAW!!!

SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS.........

It sucks so bad .... i received a sms this morning from Abu, he said the actor he found is not free for tomorrow shooting, damn it, tell us at this time ... how can we find another person to be the actor (main actor summore!!) ARGH......

Shit shit shit shit .... andthe stupid weather ... CHIXIN all the weather forecast said tomorrow gonna have shower ... what the hell is this .. and judgin from the weather now .... fuck!! Look at the thick n dark cloud having now ... scary ... told me tat there might be another storm coming ... fuck!!!

I just be told by my group member that she heard frm the TV news that there is a warning given out to the ppl living in middle n South western Australia, they said there might be a storm tomorrow ... CHIXIN ..

Now no bloody main actor for us, and the weather are not working with us ... FUCK!!!

MURPHY'S LAW.... FUCKING BLOODY MURPHY'S LAW

Sunbathing

It has been raining for days ... so sick of it the wet n cloudy weather.

According to the weather forecast, it will be raining for these following days ... so sien

but haha ... today got nice weather
after groceries shopping, we saw a big n black cloud, so tot it might rain later ... but haha
3pm is the best time for sunbathing IN MY ROOM, if the weather allow and the sun comes out la

That kind of feeling syiok til the max, now can understand why the mat salleh loves to sunbathe when they are in the tropical country or beach

SYIOK!!!! just lie on my chair, put my legs up the window there, and then wear sun glasses, and close my eyes relax .... think nothing, this kind of feeling really good man!!

Again!!

Last nite, After watching 'Kingdom of Heaven', dunno why Ryan said it was good, probably, it is a war and fighting movie, maybe he loves the cruelity in human .... I don't find this movie tremendously amazing, and yet Orlando Bloom's acting .... very monotone!!!

Well, i gotta sleep early cuz got the day i hate - Wednesday has come .... need to wake up early for a damn long hours lecture, screening, tutorial ... But i couldn't sleep, cuz hehe the nite before i slept at 4am

Finally dunno what time i get to sleep, and i think i start to sleep deadly, i dun even know there is a tornado that day ..... i dreamt alot these days, maybe due to too much of sleeping, today i dreamt again, and him appear in my dream twice in a different story/scene ..... i din dream of the person i am seeing everyday and yet i am dreaming the person whom i see less ......

The story is like this, i dreamt of me going back to KL, and saw my family, suddenly him appear in my house .... and the feeling is like, he is the usual guest to my family ... so weird!!

Then another story is that .... i think that is at a school environment ... then i saw soo ee and then suddenly me n her need to go to the toilet, and then i saw him in the ladies checking email ... hahaha where on earth in the loo got pc and internet access!!! Then i sit beside him and check my email ... weird again

Dream are always weird, but then again wat it actually mean? or it doesn't mean anything, or it does mean something that i don't know!!!!

I miss him yesterday, cuz went for movie, so i assume yesterday he came online .... not assume ... is i know!!!

Hate Raining ..... rain rain and rain ...never stop for the whole day!!!

Busy

Been busy lately, can't really breath heh!!!

Busy with assignment, mise-en-scene group meeting, presentation, one after another, no rest at all, scared to welcome the following weeks, everything cram up together, ....

Just finish media audiences campaign, luckily jason volunteer to do the compile job... hahaha he volunteer then of cuz i give him to do.

Although i have finish it, but still can't feel the relaxing air flow into my body, lagi teruk, dunno why this morning woke up, neck pain. Then i have been tahan the pain for the whole day, sitting at the desk and finish the work .... pain like hell, my neck can't even put straight.

Now i m abit worry my laundry, due to the moody n cloudy weather... and the forecast says the whole week will be a shower n storm week.... how to wash my dirty clothes.

p/s: i dun hv bra to wear la. ...shhh shhh

Lately craving for Black Eyed Peas - Don't phunk with my heart.

Friday the 13th

It is Friday the 13th .....
A day that full of horror, mysterious, scary .... Phui!!!! where got???
Nothing scary happen AT ALL!!!

Spend my whole morning and afternoon in TV Studio B, we are rehearsing for our mise-en-scene lighting, we have a hard lightin to do in our video shooting. So guess what, i spend my time there standing under the spotlight and be the model for them to see the lights ..... fun huh ... cuz we have the whole studion on our own, just feel like ... haha my baby production!!

Then arnd 4pm go back and need to start a discussion on MA .... until abt 6:30 pm

Argh ... rush to Ambleman's wrap party. I know going to a party at this crucial time is like .... naughty girl

But well, this is not only a party so simple, showing up in a production wrap party is important, if u want to be recognise, and hope for future job from them.

Lina cousin sister came and fetch me and angie (my look up person). We were sesak in the dark for quite some times ... we were supposed to reach there by 7pm, but we arrived at Anathea house at 8:30pm late late late... bt well the house was abit quiet ... not that i expected a "PARTY" going on.

anathea the art director has a very nice house ... and she is really a rich girl, 50" inch (i think) plasma TV, 20"inch (i think) apple desktop... and lots of beautiful and artistic picture hanging on the wall.

I am hungry but no food to be served, except for beer !! ... then Linda came (the producer) with her infamous "dangerous punch" hahaha, heard that the last day of shooting, the director got thrash with her dangerous punch.

direction in making the dangerous punch"
1. soak fruits (watermelon, pineapple, peach...) into vodka for 2 days (1 bottle of vodka is fine, 2 bottle of vodka make the director thrash)
2. the serving day itself, mix 1 into wine, champagne, sparkling wine and juice.

TADAH .... ur guest won't feel like they are drinnking an alcohol, but ...eating the fruits u can tell how much alcohol there are and the effect damn strong.

I keep on chucking my favourite chips - Doritos nachos extreme cheese. That the only food to warm my stomach up, if not i will vomit like a dog drinking all the alcohol.

They show the making of Ambleman... i think that video it for an hour, hehe i am included in one of the scene .... hahaha at least i hv been recognise. (it is important to be recognise in this industry)

It is also very obvious that some ppl are hard to mix with, media party are nt the wild one, cuz there are some matured ppl here (neh, my tutor, lecturer ..... ) These ppl sitting there and discuss their stuff (boring) ... Luckily the nice and kind Liz arrive and Linda willing to mix with us ... (i tot she is arrogant, cuz i saw her in campus one day, and i intended to say hi to her. .. but din cuz doesn't seem like she will remember me) but then... today she told she saw me tat day, and she wave at me, but i din saw her waving at me... and then tat nite itself i send her an email to confirm with that i am going to the party, i even wrote in the email that "i am carven, if you can still remember me..." ... hahaha she told me and i felt like so malu to make her act like a fool, but it was so much fun ...

Later, we went out to the pool and have a look, Anathea, stand on the pool stairs with her socks on... me, angie sit at the pool site and soak our legs into the pool (god it was freaking freezing cold, 14 degress i think)

Anathea can't resist the water, she jumps in .... actually i always have this visual of myself jumping into the pool with clothes on ... i always wanted to do this .. no harm rite!! but today i din, cuz i dun wan to wet myself and make Lina car wet with stainds. So abit disappointed at myself .. maybe next time ... Hmm.. maybe should know some ppl whose have a house with a pool .. hahahahahah

After getting Lina into trouble ... me and angie cancel the chillis mussel thing, and then me and angie spend a nite just talk, angie told me alot of her experience, like how to hook up with these people .... it is good to know how she made it

she is this ppl who can force herself do her work and achieve the grades that she wants ... GENG!! and at the same time, she can also go out party .... this is her dark side she said. Cuz of her strict parents, she has to do all this when she is abroad ... i am also shocked to know that she smokes before, but not inhale into the lungs, and i was shocked these ppl really smoke before ... but they are not addicted to it, they are just taka a puff or two for relieving stress.

stomack sure got problem .... no dinner, chips + alcohol ... gonna die tmrw

Heart pop out

Just finish chatting with him.

We din meet each online for i think 2 weeks, since that day.

Today when i am in the mid of several conversation, and then doing online research for my MA campaign, feeling abit irritated with so many ppl online, and also my mood also not too good. Then suddenly late at nite, someone come onlien and say hi to me, i dunno it was him, cuz he change his nickname, so i couldn't recognise, after trying hard to figure out who this is.... hahaha it was him, i can feel my heart just pop out .... the mood change tremendously, get so excited!!!

Finally got his address.... wonder what i would do with his address.

and also finally he put his pic online la ... so that i can refresh my mind with his look hahahaha

Touching~~~

It doesn't happen recently, but suddenly i feel like expressed it out.

I got to know my friend involved in a minor car accident, just becuz she is thinking about how my life here.

That was when i first got here. I am abit shocked to hear this, cuz i thouth they were kidding. But they said it was true, and now only i know i am not invisble, and i really played an important role within my friends.

And then another friend told me the day i fly, she said her mood damn down while she is on her way to work.

Sometimes, ppl will only felt sad when they know u are not there.

So gotta appreciate every person u hv with u now.

I got to know that all my cousin n bro miss me so much, cuz they felt weird to play without me.

It happened that i saw my close cousin sister at my house, they were all at my house, then i ask my another ocusin bro, ask him that Yee shud be feeling abit weird, cuz go to my house bt without my appearance. Then my cousin bro said, "actually we all felt weird" ... this is so touching too, cuz make me felt that i am always visible to them, and i am always important to them.

I got to know that one day when i am webcaming with my grandmother, she told me, "dunno why sometimes she will think of me, think of how my life here, dunno why... maybe just becuz the bond"

I am on the webcam but i dunno what to say to her, cuz i knew if i talk my voice will turn, and my tears will start to come out, cuz i really wanted to tell her, i miss her so much, and i actually thinking of the image when i last saw her before i come to perth. That was the nite before i left, i sent back to the house and say bye and a hug. but i couldn't express my feeling to her, cuz i am too emotionally affected.... then i know i cannot tahan... cuz i have been tahan for quite a few minutes, then they change another person to talk to me, i need to bend down on my table, so that i can clear my tears what watever shit i hv on my eye. ....

I just feel like going home in the end of the year. No money to go back in june. I want to go back cuz i want to spend time with them. At first i was thinking not to go back in this entire 2 years, cuz air ticket really really expensive. So now if i planned to go back, the money i earn will be given to the trip back to KL, and my tour arnd australia dream CRASHED!!!

So hard to decide. However i was touch to know that ppl are missing me so am i.

Simple theory

Someone said i should mentioned this here.

I was being a "love consultant" again for miss Tai. Asking someone who has not being in love before... bt anyway, outsider always have a clearer mind, we see things differently, more importantly, we sees things positively.

She was upset about his bf, and she was depressed over she thinks that she give him loves more than he gave to her. And now she is thinking, it is unfair to her as she gives in so much, towards obsession on him, but he only gives her those cold and lazy to layan her that kind of attitude. So she was thinking whether he loves her or not. (I m simplifyin their situation, more in depth, dun ask me... cuz i only want to bring out that theory!! haha)

She overly tired of thinking whether she loves him more, or he loves her more. She wans the balance return from what she gave out. She said must have some balance like the ying and yang thing.

Then i suddenly made up of this theory. Ying and Yand are not the same, giving and receive will never be the same porpotion, that's why our world have extremely rich ppl and extremely poor ppl, all living under one earth.... or so to say, u can hv both extreme living in the same country, city, suburb. Because everyone will never be the same,we cannot have all rich ppl living in the same place and all poor ppl living at the same place, that would lead to trouble. that's also why the communist concept being wiped out in the 40's becuz everyone dun want to be the same, everyone wants to fight for what they want, and enjoy what they deserves.

That is also why, there are ppl not being loved and there are ppl overly being loved.... NOT FAIR!!!!

Well.... seeing this intellectual smart ass, craving for help... depressed over her loves, this make her look stupid, as she doesn't deserves to be this stupid. Ppl who are in love will always be blind, they can always easily forget the simple theory. I think i will be like this too, cuz our emotions covers our rationale.

In this world, there are always problems, chaotic, conflict going on, but ppl can never think of using the most simple and easier way to solve their problem, cuz they will just think in a negative ways which lead to their depression, tired, stress!!! Ppl shud always live happy.

THINK POSITIVE BEFORE YOU DEPRESSED!!!

Should start a campaign about it.....!!!!!

So, Mr Bush, pls use the simpliest and easiest way to solve ur political problems.... dun use force, violence, to solve what you want to make a world to be.

PEACE Everyone!!!!

Go Green! Go Peace!

Isn't that hard??

Isn't that hard to express something you really want to express....
Why women is like this???
Why they always feel like expressing something they wanted to, but when it comes to it, they will never use the direct way, and will always use an indirect way or something not related to what you wanted to say.
Damn.... I'm that kind of person!!!

I felt like dropping a testi for him, then i dropped.... but the words that came from my mind are not written down... cuz.... no guts la, of cuz, it is not the time to express too, scared will chase him away... emm... i think the dream indicator quite accurate hor!!!

*ups & downs*

Here come to the busiest week..... i hv doco presentation this week, friday need to hand in doco treatment - 2500 words, need to do research on my topic, and write my crappy documentary out..... and then monday need to hand in MA campaign .. which require alot of research and work, we haven't chose a topic to go with too ... gonna die!!!! Monday got screen production group meetin too.... AHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... where is my motivator??? where is my comfortor????

All i can see is STRESS, STRESS, STRESS, and STRESS!!!! I scared i can't cope with it... and the grades i am getting now frm my assignment are not too good.... i dun want to send back to malaysia, but i do want to go back to malaysia.... !!! so confusing!!!

I dun want to be send back la, but i want to go back proudly la.

Yes!!!

Yes, i hv send him a sms, told him that i dreamt of him that nite.... too bad he sent me 4 sms but i can only receive one.

But .. afterall, the good thing is, he came online ... if not dunno when he will come online. This is hard, i can't receive any sms frm malaysia, and then he dun come online often, maybe once a week, or once every fortnight!!!

Too bad, his internet connection always got problem, we are in the mid of chatting, then suddenly he offline!!!! Actually he dc, i can understand, if not he sure will say goodnite to me before he offline.

Then i was waiting... wait for quite a long time!!! Then also no sign of him online!! then i sent him a sms, ask him whether he went offline or dc, and i knew i might not be able to receive his msg, so i ask him to give me a miss call if he is going to sleep... Then he called!!!

Sort of panic la ... then he said his connection got problem, so say goodnite n bye bye lo... Felt so sorry to want him call la... cuz money is a thing for him i think... aih!!!

*Emotional* .....